Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
