apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
