I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
