This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
