He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
