Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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