I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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