mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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