update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
