Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
