And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
