I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
