He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
