If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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