I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
