i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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