he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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