I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
