The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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