So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
