I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
