u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
