i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
