your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
