I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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