I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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