My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize