Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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