I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize