I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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