I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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