When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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