Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
