I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
