At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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