just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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