everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
