i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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