Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
