saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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