I got chris browned last night
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
