ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
