Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Still dying that you shit outside
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
