omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
