I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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