dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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