I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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