We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
