she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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