your thong is hanging out like whoa
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
