I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
