Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
