I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize