we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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