This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
