Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
