you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
