cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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