walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
