so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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