my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
