Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
