What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
