miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
