so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
